Wishing I Could Be As Fat As I Thought I Was.

I was 160-ish lbs and I thought I was so fat.  People told me I was so I believed them.  What I wouldn't give to be this 'fat' right now.  Also to have those eyebrows back! 😉
old photo, big hair, baggy clothes, weight issues
Me 89-90 School Year Wearing baggy clothes to hide how fat I was. 😳 Also yes, my hair was always that big back then.
I never intended to become well over 400 lbs, but one day I just was.  I never looked like the girls I saw on TV or in magazines.  (Remember this was way before internet and cell phones.)  I had family and friends who joked or criticized me for my size from a young age, when I was healthy and active and there was no reason to make comments at all.  You really do carry that crap with you basically forever so be thoughtful of what you say and how you say things to young people.  Or around young people, I remember some of the most hurtful things were those whispered to my parents or others when they thought I wasn't listening.  I in no way blame others though for the situation I got myself into.  They were not shovelling the food in my mouth or living in front of the TV, that was all me.  There are not many photos of me at my largest, at least not digital ones, so here is a couple from that time.
obese, fat, plus size
Christmas Carolling with work at a seniors home.  

obese, fat, unhealthy
At that wedding we had to fly to.  Even in first class the seat wasn't wide enough.

Despite knowing that I was extremely overweight and unhealthy at my 420-ish lbs, in my late 20s, I had surprisingly great self esteem, I didn't feel ugly or unable to do the things I wanted to do, save maybe riding a roller coaster.  Heck, I married my husband when I was rounding the 380 mark.  It wasn't until I was forced to book a flight to get to a wedding that my size and how it was hindering my enjoyment of life really slapped me in the face.  Not long after that experience I had my first miscarriage, which was definitely at least partly caused by the state of my health.
We continued to try to have children for another 8 years with no luck at all.  When I realized I was now in my mid-thirties and my size would most likely stop me from ever having children I decided drastic action was required.  As of course that whole 8 years was full of yo-yo diets and quick fixes that did nothing for me.  I decided to have the Roux en Y bypass surgery in the fall of 2010, and after the great program they have at St Joseph's Bariatric I had surgery in February of 2011.  The first month after my surgery was rough, but also life changing.  The weight fell off, and once the first 60 or so pounds were gone I found I had all this energy and wanted to be in motion all the time!  That's when I adopted my first dog, Venus.  We wore out some shoes together me and her!
bariatric surgery, wls, weight loss surgery
Left at my largest, right about 6 months after surgery

walking, nature, dog
Venus and me on one of our hundreds of walks

big dog, sheppard-lab, angel, rescue dog, THS
RIP my beautiful big girl (passed away summer of 2017)

Over the next year and a half I lost over 160 lbs, and surprise!  Got pregnant on our first post surgery try!  I could not have been happier, I waited my whole life to be a mom and now I am.  With waiting so long, 10 years+ to be pregnant I did allow myself to slip into some old eating habits (he wanted Boston Cream Donuts ALL the time.) and gained back about 30 lbs.

I rationalized that with a 'well I'm still down a whole adult person so no big deal'.  What was a big deal though was that other habits crept back too, like not moving.  Venus suffered an ACL tear and after her surgery we just never really were able to get out for our walks again.  I would take the stroller and do my best but those of you with little ones know how difficult it can be to get in you time once they start crawling!   My sore back and knees were back, I wasn't eating terribly, but I was eating convenient a lot.  And sadly we suffered another miscarriage when my son was 2.  I was gaining back those pounds I worked to get rid of at a rate of about 10/year.

That brings us to last fall, my son started school and I thought hey it's me time now.  I met Josh from Go Fitness Niagara and he was just so positive and energizing, I decided his program would be the perfect kick in the ass I needed.  If you remember my results from the 6 Week Challenge program, that was 21 lbs gone!  I decided to stay on at the gym and it felt great.

Until another setback this July with another miscarriage, a broken baby toe and some house related stresses, which ended up with me missing almost 5 whole weeks of workouts and spiral down into pizza and chocolate again, I had been on the right track.  This time I was determined not to let it knock me that far off track, and this time I have an incredibly supportive #fitfam behind me.  It wasn't pretty the first day back at the gym but I did it, and it felt amazing...until the DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) hit at least!  So, I'm back at it, cleaning up my eating and getting my ass in gear again.  Definitely not ready to give up on a sibling for my son just yet!  The healthier I am the better chance we have!  So, here's where I'm at now.  And believe me it's hard to share these photos, but after my surgery and after the challenge one of my regrets was not having any good 'before' photos that showed me the progress I made.  I can feel my progress in my clothes and how I feel but this time I want to see it with my own eyes.

Due to me still carrying around the skin of a 400lb body, I know the real after photos won't be until I have the skin removal surgeries, but I'm excited to see what I can do now with this body right here!  (The extra skin is also why I am not focusing on a number on the scale either.  I actually don't even own a scale so I only weigh myself now and then at the gym.)  I am also aware that being the shape I once was is an impossibility, I'm not a teenager, things are sagging, I'm a 42 year old mom with tons of shit to get done everyday.  I just sometimes wish I could hop in a time machine and tell teenager me how gorgeous and healthy I actually was back then.  But then I may not be here... and I'm pretty happy with here.
So to all of you out there carrying around anything that is weighing you down, I get it, I feel for you and I hope you find a way to lighten that burden like I have.  Getting active is about so much more than losing weight.  You hold your head up high when you walk into that gym, or down that path, or jump in that pool because every movement you make is for you, not those judging you!

Much love ~ Kelly

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